Need a new gig? Looking for a job with good pay and benefits that’s easy to get? Don’t need employment for more than a few months? Well ICE is hiring! And they’re so desperate for people that their standards have been lowered all the way to the seventh circle of Hell.
So throw in an application and sign up for ICE. Then proceed to be the most incompetent agent in ICE’s history. Show up late. Show up high. Arrive to raids late and out of uniform. Brag about your upcoming raids on social media. Just generally be the most unproductive, unhelpful, and incompetent ICE employee in history. Write elaborate equipment check lists and spend hours triple checking your load out before any raid. Be a net drain on the system. Have your incompetence be so great that your very presence actually zeros out the work of at least two other people. Become a black hole of unproductivity that drains the effectiveness and morale of everyone around you. Be the Colin Robinson of ICE!
They’re so desperate for people right now, that they’ll be extremely reluctant to fire you as long as you don’t go full direct insubordination. If you refuse to follow orders, you’ll get fired. If you’re just colossally incompetent at carrying those orders out, you should get at least a few months of employment before they finally let you go.
“Oops, sorry boss, I was going to the bathroom during that last raid, didn’t see anything. Shouldn’t have had that burrito last night.”
“Oops, I’m so clumsy. I left the door to the van open, and all the migrants we caught got away. Again!”
“What do you mean I can’t refer to my coworkers by name when we’re all masked up. That’s just impolite!”
“Look, I thought I had the right address. How was I to know that address was actually the local Republican Party campaign office?”
The problem with some of these is that once you did them you would end just being extra-judicially targeted yourself by your ICE coworkers…
You don’t want to end up like Gomer Pyle getting beaten with socks full of soap. Your coworkers will know your name and have tools to find out more info on you. Don’t turn yourself into a massive target unless you’re comfortable with that.
Looks like ICE is reading this thread.
Do I have to bring my own brown shirt or will they be provided? /s
Brown shirts are so mid-20th century. Here in the future, Red Hats are where it’s at!
Plus Red Hat spelled sideways is Hatred, sort of.
basically they are the amazon associates/walmart level of hiring, they both take almost anyone. but its probably much higher than ice, as they need drug tests, background checks all the way to using interpol.
they probably wont be putting it in thier resume anyways, as any other employer would immediately reject your application. i see these people only working in conservative areas.
Hmmm, I’ve been on a tolerance break for 1 month now, one because I wanted to do it, and two because I am looking for a new job. Maybe I can apply for this job and they won’t give a shit about me popping hot for weed. But then again, I don’t think I could wear a balaclava over my face for long hours at a time. I hated having to wear one when I cleared my drive way while living in the upper midwest for years.
I mean, yeah. That’s not a bad idea.
Arrive to raids […] out of uniform.
…This is already happening.
🤔
I would be a great ICE agent. Sorry, what was your name? Melania? Drumpf? Pack it up!
