Early on in my marriage my wife would pull this crap. One day I told her that I wasn’t a mind reader and that if she didn’t want to tell me what the problem was that I was going to go about my day and enjoy it, which I did. I followed up with her about 2 hours later and asked her if she was ready to tell me and she unloaded. I told her I’d work on the things that she had bottled up and said that a marriage can only work if we both communicate. She shouldn’t be afraid to come to me with what’s bugging her. Ever since then she’s been open and honest. Really helped our marriage improve and evolve. She’s a lot more mature now.
So when my wife says that she’s “fine” I take it at face value and we both move on because she knows that if she wants to vent she can. She also knows I won’t dig it out of her and why.
I truly wish I had the mental fortitude to push through the issues I have expressing myself to just, via sheer willpower, precisely describe my emotional state while in the middle of grappling with it.
An easy way to say “I’m not, I’m not sure what is wrong, and explaining anymore than this is going to somehow make it worse in my mind. What I really want is for you to pick up on the fact that I’m struggling and just be supportive but explaining all that in this moment is overwhelming.” Even getting that out can be difficult in the moment because internally I haven’t unkinked the knot enough to figure it out. Sometimes I’m not yet aware that I’m not okay.
So “I’m fine” comes out.
Thankfully my wife is very used to paying attention to the nonverbal cues of her husband (me) after many years of happy marriage. Communication is so much more than just words. If you’re in tune enough to ask then it’s safe to assume something is up.
Sorry your relationships have been with people like me. Hope you find that right person for you :)
See, it’s perfectly fine to not be able to communicate while wrangling with emotions, as long as there is (positive) attention brought to attention afterwards. Many people struggle with that as that may feel like opening up a closed wound, but this makes communication and understanding the other party much easier.
What I’m trying to say is: The partner paying attention is a thing that can be taught, if that person is willing to learn.
I myself am oblivious to most body language and can only go on things people have told me. I suck at relationships.
See, if it were me, I’d say “Oh, ok.” And keep watching tv with her. I’d have zero sense that she’s NOT fine.
So she would be yelling internally that I don’t care enough to ask whats wrong.
In reality, I’d have zero clue she was upset. So I’d just keep going, and she’d keep being angry.
And at some point she’d have an outburst that from my perspective came out of nowhere.
This is why I don’t date. People expect you to read their minds, and I don’t. Then she gets mad that I’m unclear whats going on.
There was a girl I was living with 20 years ago that came home, slammed the door, and screamed. I asked whats wrong. She said “LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW!!!”
To this day I have no idea what that was about.
Early on in my marriage my wife would pull this crap. One day I told her that I wasn’t a mind reader and that if she didn’t want to tell me what the problem was that I was going to go about my day and enjoy it, which I did. I followed up with her about 2 hours later and asked her if she was ready to tell me and she unloaded. I told her I’d work on the things that she had bottled up and said that a marriage can only work if we both communicate. She shouldn’t be afraid to come to me with what’s bugging her. Ever since then she’s been open and honest. Really helped our marriage improve and evolve. She’s a lot more mature now.
So when my wife says that she’s “fine” I take it at face value and we both move on because she knows that if she wants to vent she can. She also knows I won’t dig it out of her and why.
yeah. its up to the person to communicate and they eventually. Until then don’t sweat it.
I truly wish I had the mental fortitude to push through the issues I have expressing myself to just, via sheer willpower, precisely describe my emotional state while in the middle of grappling with it.
An easy way to say “I’m not, I’m not sure what is wrong, and explaining anymore than this is going to somehow make it worse in my mind. What I really want is for you to pick up on the fact that I’m struggling and just be supportive but explaining all that in this moment is overwhelming.” Even getting that out can be difficult in the moment because internally I haven’t unkinked the knot enough to figure it out. Sometimes I’m not yet aware that I’m not okay.
So “I’m fine” comes out.
Thankfully my wife is very used to paying attention to the nonverbal cues of her husband (me) after many years of happy marriage. Communication is so much more than just words. If you’re in tune enough to ask then it’s safe to assume something is up.
Sorry your relationships have been with people like me. Hope you find that right person for you :)
See, it’s perfectly fine to not be able to communicate while wrangling with emotions, as long as there is (positive) attention brought to attention afterwards. Many people struggle with that as that may feel like opening up a closed wound, but this makes communication and understanding the other party much easier.
What I’m trying to say is: The partner paying attention is a thing that can be taught, if that person is willing to learn.
I myself am oblivious to most body language and can only go on things people have told me. I suck at relationships.