This post is for seeking some advice on what’s the best route to try to help some friends get some of their offline lives back.
This year, a large percent of my friend group from my hometown have stopped interacting much with anyone outside of immediate family such as parents and work. Very noticeable for those that are under 30 (I’m 30) compared to those a few years older than me. For 3 of them that were pretty close, they still send memes and Instagram reels all day almost daily but never respond to any messages nor send any anymore. The only way to get them to do anything is to show up semi unannounced with tickets to go somewhere or with food to get them out of the endless scroll, and even then 2 of them will still scroll no matter what’s going on around them, even while driving.
Seeing the reels that get shared since the summer, nearly all of them are AI or extreme (not political, moreso like extreme overeating, extreme overpriced buying/unboxing videos or people fighting past what mma/ufc would allow type content). This seems to have led a few to being scared of the outside while a few others consider outside to be too boring now. When we do hang out I notice my algorithm is completely different than theirs with every reel scroll. We were all very tech focused coming our of school but I’m 1 of 2 that didn’t make it into a long term career, a couple of them have been on the AI hype train for a few years now.
Does this seem to be an ongoing trend for you? I know some people here have made mention over the time I’ve been on Lemmy but it’s gotten so apparent in my life these last 2 holidays trying to make plans and soon New Years of the change and the the first time in more than a decade we’re all within an hour of each other but majority of them are just socially MIA to do anything outside of scrolling on the couch laughing at nonexistent people and animals in reels. What’s worked for you to help combat this within your friends without giving up on them? The best thing I’ve been able to find has been the bar style arcades and laser tag that’s helped make that similar enjoyment while out of the house.
I’m in my late 50s and have been through a lot of shit, and one thing I can tell you is that people generally won’t change until the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying stuck where you are. Moreover, you can want something for someone else, and even if it would overwhelmingly make their life better, it’ll never happen unless they want it for themselves. People are creatures of habit, and those habits rarely change except when there is no other option.
So what do you do? Focus on something that you can change - your behavior. Understand that they make their own choices, and if they aren’t interested in doing things you’re interested in (going outside, socializing, etc.), you need to find people who are interested in those things and engage with them. Healthy people grow and change throughout their lifetime, and some people are less able to do that, so you can outgrow your friends. I’m not saying you should kick them to the curb, but rather understand and know their limitations, and budget your engagement accordingly. Relationships, including friendships, are necessarily a 2-way street. If someone won’t meet you halfway with effort to keep the relationship afloat, then you should consider why you’ve been propping things up and match their energy and see what happens. The phrase: “If he/she wanted to he/she would” is something to keep in mind. People communicate not only with their actions, but also with their inaction. Find people who appreciate you and the energy you bring by reciprocating it.
While it can be challenging to make new friends as an adult, it’s not that difficult. Learning a new skill or hobby can introduce you to a lot of people. For example, I recently started learning swing dancing, and suddenly have several new friends of both sexes, and a never-ending string of fun social dancing events to go to. It’s been a total game-changer for my social life, and I would highly recommend taking classes to learn whatever social dances are popular in your area (swing, salsa, etc.). Of course there are also meetup groups for almost every type of hobby or interest, so you can do something you’re interested in and meet like-minded people. Basically, just get out there and do what your want to do, and find people that also like to do the things you want to do.
Thanks for the advice. I’m working on the new friends for sure, I just hate seeing what this is doing to friends of close to 20 years. They enjoy the hangouts everytime but as another person was saying in their comment, they’re pretty much in an addiction, which I do have to view it as. Two of those friends have kids now, oldest being 5 and it rubs off on them with the iPads so part of why it’s still worth attempting to help in my eyes, they arent bad, just I guess dopamine gullible. I know I can only do so much on my end
I get where you’re coming from. I have family members lost to immersion in far-right propaganda that I now have almost no relationship with, and there is nothing I can do. It sucks.
Start a regular “analog have night” or some such. Pick a day of the week, and organize a board game night, of some other screen-free activity you enjoy. Ground rule #1: electronics or screens are are kept away when they arrive.
Basically get them to engage in life in a pleasurable way without their addiction.
Fabulous response. Just wanted to say.
Thank you. I like to share things I wish I knew when I was younger!
Maybe they just don’t like hanging out with him bro. Not everything is a conspiracy.
honestly…just find new friends doing the things you want to do. maybe occasionally reach out to the old ones in attempt to get them out of these algo-bubbles…but you can’t/shouldn’t put your life on hold trying to help people who don’t even recognize they have a problem.
they’re essentially addicts…until some messaging gets through to them and they see they have a problem, it’s just wasted effort with likely no payoff.
if you want to hangout with people irl interested in doing more things irl…go to those events and meet the people going to them, that’s where they’ll be.
edit/ far as helping those people out of their algo-traps…well, old comedies they probably saw growing up tend to work pretty good. maybe suggest some old movie-day hangout type thing? i always liked the classic jim carey movies. yes man in particular, is pretty much tailor made for this scenario.
This is basically what I’ve been doing but you’ve summed it up well. For the main 2 that do the sending daily of the reels they do actually enjoy similar things but as you say they are addicts atm. Both had the time of their lives doing laser tag not long ago but its getting them out the house to do anything. Both have kids too and when I go to make that effort it’s apparent it’s rubbing off on the kids. If money is the issue that’s why I am open to getting the tickets to things, most of what we do isn’t over $30 each most the time anyways and the kids can go have a good time offline as well. The beaches nearby cost money to go to for example so it’s like $40-5p total for the access to enjoy it for the day and everyone loves it every time and the kids sleep the ride back. Working on the newer friends though, I don’t drink much while living in a boozy city I moved back to last year so it’s a slower than expected process but it’s happening.
Such good advice and so sad as well
Seeing the reels that get shared since the summer, nearly all of them are AI or extreme (not political, moreso like extreme overeating, extreme overpriced buying/unboxing videos or people fighting past what mma/ufc would allow type content). This seems to have led a few to being scared of the outside while a few others consider outside to be too boring now.
I think everyone’s glancing past this point. That’s the extreme internet content screwing with your friends’ brains – especially the fighting videos. That’s undoubtedly a factor in their withdrawal from IRL socialization. If you look to the Gen Z and Gen Alpha folks, that’s exactly what those generations are going through.
For a lot of us, offline options are either nonexistent or too expensive to make a regular thing. I grew up in the suburbs and i went to a shitty school where no one wanted to be my friend so I was stuck indoors all day not by choice, and as an adult i can’t even pay electric bill let along go out all the time
Back in the day people would gather on a porch and play music. Relatively free. Wish I knew how to play an instrument …
yeah to be honest that was and is my situation, exactly, too "^^
People scapegoat smartphones because they want to isolate vulnerable teens, and all these laws excluding younger people from public spaces aren’t helping either even if they did have the money
Ok, so you can go out all the time without “going out” all the time. You don’t have to go shopping or to bars or expensive events, there are cheap activities out there. Parks are a good option, go for a walk, take photos of wildlife, go fishing, fly a kite. Or get into biking, or juggling, parkour. Or join a club, book clubs or film clubs are a lot of fun not expensive and you get to meet people and have real conversations. Go to your local library, they can tell you about upcoming free events, it connect you with clubs, or communities. While you’re there, ask the library if they have cheap or free tickets to things like museums or zoos, they often do.
There are a whole lot of ways to disconnect, but one thing is absolutely certain, you’re stuck on social media because you’re using social media. Just stop using it and it can’t trap you or control you. You can stay in touch with people with text messaging and phone calls, it totally still works. Also, a good reason to disconnect is just to distance yourself from “the algorithm”, don’t let some machine tell you what it thinks you should like, figure out what you like for yourself.
Those aren’t really great options for meeting people.
Going out into the world is essentially the only way to meet people. Try it, see what happens.
Though, I was talking about ways to disconnect, things to do; how to enjoy life without social media. If you’re only focused on meeting people though, well actually I still recommend clubs and hobbies.
It’s what I’m realizing. We’re right at the millennial gen z median being from 1994-98. Thankfully not being sent the 67 type of content like the kids scream in public but it’s still a concern to me. As I’ve said in response to others imma still work on getting a couple new friends but I do want to try to find things to help keep them social and come out the house once in a while since they do enjoy hangouts when the phone is away, or requires both hands to where the phone has to be away haha
The “67” or “skibidi” stuff isn’t even bad. It’s just silly content and Gen Z/Millenials had their own versions growing up.
I’m wondering more about the trad-life/anti-women/alt-right propaganda; and the violence/gore/extreme porn/fetish content (you mentioned over-eating content. I think that’s called ‘mukbang’?)
It is mukbang, yeah. Seeing those videos of people eating the giant plates of donuts in 60 seconds, drink this hot sauce challenges and all that gross me out so much. I know more about people like the pink sauce lady than I wouldve ever wanted to (Only need to see first 90 seconds to grasp who that is)The extreme violence, I don’t know how so much of it is allowed on there, Instagram seems almost as low of moderation as X as long as the person doesn’t die on camera.
I didn’t know anything about the pink sauce lady except her pink sauce product, and I’m not going to click that link. I’ll stay a low-information commenter, thank you very much <3
Yeah, in the 80s they had crack. Not as easy to sell as social media, but it’ll also fuck you up. In the 50s the KKK and their brand of racism was mainstream, that also fucked people up. I guess my point is, yeah, things are different now, but they’re also kinda the same. And the solution is kinda the same too. Garbage in - garbage out; if you want to be a good person, live a good life, don’t consume shit. Don’t consume this terrible content and you won’t let yourself be influenced by terrible content.
oh yea while i was still on reddit, people were saying these 2 groups aspirations was YOUTUBE, or some kind influencers, when some of them started to do that, they wernt getting the same “engagement” as the current influencers. it is kind of sad, most of them dont realize thats these youtubers/streamers ARE coming from wealthy families. i think GEN ALPHA would be at more disadvantage than gen z once they all become adults, working or in college.
I remember seeing a report about that, too. IIRC it was a school survey. That aside, Gen Alpha is absolutely going to be worse off than Gen Z. (In the USE) They’re growing up through the same violence that caused Gen Z’s stress/compassion fatigue/anxiety… PLUS they were raised by iPads with short-form content, and are living through the rise of fascism. Gen Z grew up doing “school shooting drills”; Gen Alpha is watching ICE agents grab people from their towns, schools, and daycares… and then they’re told the terrorists are the “good guys”.
If Gen Z is struggling as adults (and we are) Gen Alpha is fucked.
Jesus, that’s scary. Most of my friend group doesn’t use social media.
Honestly the only thing I think you could do would be to talk to them honestly about it, and say their behavior concerns you, maybe ask them to put their phones away in your company.
Yeah I’ve talked with them about it but it’s really the dopamine being hijacked is the issue from the content. I know there’s a thing where people lose interest in “normal” when they get used to more and more wild of a thing, like porn fetishes. I’m sure there’s things that have helped reset that mental rush, like with the example about the fetishes, those said people having actual sex to reset to being more normal (don’t take literal I’m being very general since I don’t study this). I’m pretty scared of the “create your game” AI engines that will inevitably coming for this reason cause it will make exactly what your want to always want it and then hook the user to never wanting to disconnect from the game. My friends though aren’t cut out for stuff like paintball so laser tag seemed as one of those good out of norm medians that’s not physical but out of the house
It is actual addiction. It might not be as damaging as an opioid addiction but it’s still addiction. They have to recognize and acknowledge the addiction and want to change before any change can happen.
There’s a two recent Hidden Brain podcast episodes that explain how dopamine rewards turn into addiction. I highly recommend them. It will explain a lot about what’s happening to your friends—though, sounds like you have much of it figured out. I plan on reading the psychiatrist’s book.
Hidden Brain Podcast:
thats pretty much porn addiction, they escalate into more and more kinks, after they get bored of the normal ones, and plus they maybe consuming it more than 1hr per day. and in some forums i have been some of them reported they cant even get “hard” or aroused anymore due to desensitization some try to fix it by going cold turkey, and it work for some people but most people just fall back into it eventually. with porn theres a eurphoria feeling with masturbation, so theres that REAL high as well. the only thing that matches that in euphoria is scratching an eczema rash(thats already been itching irritated for a while)
do you still connect with them, its what op was trying to say. If you form 1 or2, thats much better than not having any.
make sense why tiktok is being bought out by ellison, under 30 are morely likely to be on tiktok for long periods of time and will consume the propaganda quite readily and are quite easy to sway to voting for R, eventhough they dont know thier immediate consequences of doing so. and most of them wont be able to tell difference between something completely digitially created and one created by a person. they might not be able to tell the difference, when i see it , its often it so unnatural even if they make ir REAL life like.
Bro I haven’t seen another human outside of my family for the past 5 years besides people I work with - and I wfh so I don’t actually see them in person… my boss actually is never around either so I’m just alone always
Do you want something to be different?
No way people are a waste of time. I’ve been doing very well on my own just minding my own business and working improving my life. If I had been spending all this time interacting with friends I’d be in the same place I was before I quit talking to them.
people are a waste of time
I recommend against generalizing your experience with one set of friends to encompass all people
I felt that way until I found a nice community. Not everyone of them were friends, but they were friendly and helpful and I got to help out too, which actually made a massice difference on my self esteem.
I know it sounds super corny and I had serious doubts at first, but it still has a really positive impact on me years after moving on.
Remember, every accusation is a confession. If you don’t want to be a waste of time to be around then don’t act like that’s true of others.
Wait, if people are a waste of time, why bother commenting online? If you don’t get anything out of interacting with the people close to you, what are you getting out of interacting with strangers?
Just to be clear, I’m not trying to land a sick burn here, I’m honestly curious.
Total karma go up? Idk if it even works the same here just a habit. I always tried to get high scoring comments. usually ishposts score the highest. Or I’ll share some of my vast knowledge. I e explaining how I wasted most of my life trying to win the approval of others when I should have been improving my own self. Ever since i gave up on spending time with friends I’ve increased my income and skill level and improved my quality of life along with my health etc. all because i gave up spending time with people
Well, if you’re just in it for the points, I’d recommend telling jokes, that’s pretty reliable. But, just an observation here, what I’m seeing in this thread is your having real conversations. Making the kinds of comments that might just as soon get a downvote, not the witty one liners that are guaranteed karma. So I wonder if that’s really why you’re commenting, or if maybe there’s something else you’re getting out of it. Could be worth considering.
Mfer can you not read? I said I’m sharing knowledge. Just because you don’t understand that improving your life is more important than having friends
I don’t mean to be cold, but have you considered that it’s not (just) your responsibility to keep the friendship alive? There are people out there longing for you.
true, some ive seen turned into codependant relationship develop at least in while i was in school. where 1 party is desperate to keep connection with the other person, while they arnt reciprocating the same. better to leave it then become obssesed over it.
Other than these just being addictive, as they are meant to be, there can be another contributing factor - lack of continuous block of free time.
I am going to make a terrible analogy as usual.
Day, week, month, etc. are like a HDD.
In those, time for work, kids, cleaning, cooking, etc. is like data.
If you’ve got just the work, you can fit in other normal activities like reading, watching movies, going out, etc.
With more tasks throughout the day, you might still technically have enough free time, but fragmented, and that’s quite an issue. Watching a movie is best done in one go. Perhaps you can split it up to 2 halves if needed. But with many tasks, you might end up with just 10/20/30 minute breaks at a time, and then it’s not worth it to even start anything.
But short form media? You might have like 20 seconds per video. That will absolutely fit into any break.
And so that’s the only thing they might end up doing.Same thing with reading. I try and fit it into my work breaks but even them if I.have to use the bathroom or eat lunch on lunch break I don’t have time. Also is reading in 15 minute chunks while exausted from working good for comprehension? If not it’s probably better to just browse lemmy instead
I spent more time online than I’d like. Probably need a life change or a hobby that overrides social media addiction.
my advice is try and set up 1 on 1s like they do at work lol. Be explicit time and place.
Edit And this post made me reach out to folks so good on this
Delete big social media. The day I deleted Facebook, my life considerably improved.
And what do they do now instead of memes and share stuff on social media? Did they detach and turn to useful hobbies like woodworking, or did they switch to consume only and they’re still on social media?
Work and consume media. Knowing every content creator and influencer gossip summary and seeimg all the livesteam clips and sharing reels about the drama. I can’t think of any useful hobbies for the last few years. We were computer techs in some period of time (friends from school and childhood I was able to get a foot in the door at a company at least starting in my department for a bit) while everyone was doing their college thing but those friends that still kept on with that stopped coding once they saw AI could do it. The others I only know one works on his car but I don’t know much on anymore since he’s been quiet. Myself and one of the other 6 have stayed active, I’m outdoors adventure active while he is gym active
Hehe. I feel a bit “offended” by the …“stopped coding once they saw AI could do it.” Because that’s not my reality. I do a lot of computer hobby stuff, tinkering, electronics… And for me it does shit. Doing the maths for sensor values failed, can’t ever do memory allocation the way it’s done on microcontrollers. Fails with slightly complex regular software projects… I mean it can do some quick and dirty webdesign and code some rudimentary apps and games if you’re into that… Whatever people can do after they read a beginners coding book and a bit of copy-pasta. And it helps look up documentation. But I see zero reason to quit my hobbies with what AI can do as of today 😉
Doesn’t sound good, though. I mean a grandpa will consume a lot of media after he can’t get up and walk around any more. But that’s not how it’s supposed to be at 30yo. It is somehow modern society, though. Social interactions get displaced by para-social relations, like to a favorite streamer or influencer and you’d take part in their world. Combined with resignation we get people like incels. I’m about 10 years older and I still have a lot of friends who do stuff. Go running or whatever. Or they have kids and that takes up their time. I can see however, how things like social media steer attention away from human elements of life.
Yeah I don’t agree that it’s good in coding. I just see the reels that get sent talk about what’s promised about it while in reality programs like Windows 11 have code written by AI and sucks with years of bug patches needed of the current damage, not including future
I just randomly video call old friends and we stay massive video chats. It’s wild.
by the time of the first smartphones/iphones people were already sitting in public staring at thier phones, that was like 14-15years ago. every generation with phones seems to get worst and worst. especially once they start idolizing influencing is thier FUTURE.
