Here’s why I think I’m a selfish person. I have really bad intrusive thoughts, I need to speak with a therapist on this, too. If I were given the choice between Choice A) Anything I want/a million dollars but I have to kill my friend(s) or B) My friend(s) stay(s) alive but I don’t get what I want, I would probably kill my friend. Especially when pressured. But I’m complex. I value human life, pretty much, or any life in general, and don’t want to kill anybody. I would just kill when or if necessary and if I didn’t get caught. I still care about my friendships though, so I don’t say I’m gonna kill them or go out of my way to harm them or our friendship. I would really prefer to have all my friends as is but I feel like if pressured enough between two choices, I would kill to get what I want. I’m so ashamed of this, I feel SO bad.
Understand this:
Whatever one’s current-condition, one changes/transforms through doing/committing/enacting/being.
Transformation takes time.
I guarantee you that no normal person who endures 1/2+ century of life is the same when they’re just finishing adolescence vs when they’re 4+ decades older.
MAKE your unconscious-mind become what you want you to be, if owning-your-meaning is important to you.
So long as you’re living anyways, one might as well, right?
( intentionally-evolving as the default-choice )
Pay attention to the frequency + aggression of the intrusive-thoughts ( just as a monitoring them thing, not letting them crowbar you through your engaging of them ), & see if there are particular people, or situations, which consistently make them worse.
It may be wise to avoid particular people.
There are 2 sides to that:
if your unconscious-mind is committed to harming someone you value, then it might concentrate on making it worse when they’re around: that indicates that your unconscious-mind needs more, & more-determined, enforcing against its ignorance-dominion games, in order to get it to learn to respect whom you value.
if your unconscious-mind’s violent/chaos is massively-amplified, in all directions, by the presence of a person/animal/whatever, then get in the ruthless habit of avoiding being in that something’s presence.
Also, the more vicious one’s unconscious-mind is, the purer the evil in it, then the more fundamentally-spiritual one has to become, in order to counter it.
Some people are beginning to understand that this-world is changing… but nobody’s understanding just what a whole-planet sentience-phase-change means.
Dig-in: your karma is going to be a controlling-force on your Soul’s/Continuum’s/ChildOfG-D’s/CellOfG-D’s eternity, so CAUSE it to improve.
Your-life is the “reaping” of what your-soul had previously “sowed”, same as everyone’s.
The fact that you chose to call-into-question the DarkTriad ( which we all have in us, to some degree or another, for all mundane humans ) in you indicates that you have interest in becoming more purely good.
Respect, cherish, & cultivate that, in you, & it will grow.
Perhaps haphazardly, for the 1st years, but as one grows “muscle” of one’s character, that muscle itself grows muscle: it’s a kind of snowballing effect.
Reject “fate”, & earn self-determination.
'tis a good Way.
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