this is the first year my friends and mother neglected to get me a gift or anything of value. usually, i’d be given some money or something useful. occasionally, a friend would buy me a Steam game off my Wishlist. i had never come to expect this and told those buying me things that it was unnecessary and that i loved them regardless. my friends have supported me in many ways throughout my life. i truly owe them a lot and would never ask for more or hold this behavior to them every year.
however, i guess part of me came to appreciate their repeated kindness on my birthday over the years, because as the evening of my birthday approached i noticed other than a “happy birthday” or two i hadn’t received much attention at all. nobody gave anything.
damn. huh. well, we’re all in difficult spots financially. …but one of my friends is literally in his best paying job ever and has a decent savings account. i shouldn’t read into it. even if the reason was simply “eh i just didn’t want to,” i am okay with that of course, but it does sting a little. it makes me feel old and dehumanized. i am 36. who cares about the feelings of a 36 year old? who gets a gift for a 36 year old? who celebrates a 36th birthday?
i’m having a bit of existential dread, i think.
Getting gifts for kids is easier as you can get something significant for them without breaking the bank. As people get older its tough to not end up getting someone some piece of junk that will end in a landfill. Personally I don’t like mandatory gift giving at holidays and milestones. I prefer opportunistic giving which is when your in a position to give somebody something that they need or will help them or will like in a way they will treasure it for years. Sometimes this can be doing something rather than buying something. It took awhile to get to this way but I have been moving toward it my whole adult life.
i definitely get that. i give the people i love $$$ because i know it’s always needed. that’s kinda been our thing for each other on occasions.
Money gets a bit weird because then its really obvious that the better off person is giving more than the less better off. Again I find it best to reserve those for real need. To me a well timed loan is more useful than trinket level money.
i guess if my friends were in different income brackets it might be worth changing, but we’re all relatively the same, so… just Venmoing $50 isn’t much.
i noticed other than a “happy birthday” or two i hadn’t received much attention at all.
Yeah, long story short, that’s pretty much just the way it goes. Don’t worry about it too much. Honestly you had it pretty good to make it to 36 before realizing it. Everybody I know pretty much stopped caring about birthdays after the 21st one. :)
Also, happy belated birthday!
for sure, thanks for the encouragement. my friends and i usually do things for each other on bdays and the holidays we collectively value, so i think i came to subconsciously look forward to that without “expecting” it. this year nothing happened and it made me go “ohh… right, okay then.” lol
First, happy belated birthday. I hope it still managed to be a positive overall.
Secondly, kudos to you for your self-awareness. Most people would be unable to admit their unexpected attachment to the trappings of a birthday and would just chalk it up to people not caring.
To your point, I think it’s born of two main things. First, as people get older, those around us outside of the immediate family tend to retire the gift-giving on birthdays. Perhaps they don’t celebrate their own any longer and it fans out to those in their circle or maybe they just don’t think a gift is necessary as we continue aging.
I think the second cause might be that as we get older, we keep adding people to our circle of friends and at some point, it just seems larger than we can manage in regards to gift giving to everyone that deserves it. Couple that with being told by you that gifts weren’t necessary, It seems a logical conclusion to come to.
All that being said, unless our friend or family has specifically said they didn’t like to celebrate it, we should all make a big deal of someone’s big day.
thank you. the kindness shown here has made my 36th not feel so lonely. i value all the participation.
i think it’s sad we expect adults to give up habits and behaviors for simply reaching an age. i don’t want that put on me or expected of me, but i also don’t want to stick out so much socially.
maybe it’s worth making more big deals to increase that feeling of inclusivity.
Personally, I don’t always buy a friend a gift for their birthday. I generally only buy gifts when I find one that is something that I know would be special to the person receiving it. I usually happen upon gift ideas and don’t specifically seek them out. I feel like my friends sort of do the same.
As for having a gathering or a party, I’ve found that as you get into your 30s and beyond you kind of have to initiate it some yourself or if you’re like me and get anxiety from trying to plan my own birthday party you could ask a friend to help out with the planning.
Anyways, happy belated birthday!
aw thank you!
Sorry to hear you’re feeling down about this. It’s understandable, but it seems like you might be reading too much into it and getting yourself more down, too. You say “who cares about the feelings of a 36 year old” for example which is your mind jumping to a conclusion you have no evidence for. In fact you have contrary evidence because people did send you birthday messages at least. My advice would be to do something for yourself if you can. If having your friends involved in your birthday is important to you though you might have to make that happen by organising something with them.
Anyway, it just sucks that you felt kinda bummed out on your birthday. Hope you feel better and you can find a way to celebrate and appreciate yourself.
i appreciate the kindness and advice. i’m doing alright, just a little down with the heaviness of aging. it’s a personal anxiety for me; something i am attempting to work through professionally. my friends and i typically get each other stuff on occasion is all that really caused this. this is the first year all of that was absent. i will be alright in the long term.
Aging sucks for sure. I’m slightly ahead of you there and my personal cope has been to try and become the fittest I have ever been by the time I hit 40. Having a goal like that helped me keep the existential dread somewhat at bay. It’s good that you’re finding your own way to work through it. Good luck to you, friend.
hah, i am accomplishing something similar! i’ve lost 115 lbs and am moving ahead day by day. i hope some time in my late 30s i start feeling more comfortable than ever before. maybe my 40s will be my decade.
36 and still counting? Afaik many at this age are trying to hide b-days, like it could make aging stop.
If You care, if You still feel young enough, with inner child waiting for gifts, that means You ARE still young. That’s big achievement! gz on that.
Wish Ya eternal young, Cupcake kiddo (Your pic related).
hah, i appreciate it. i don’t really put much weight behind my birthday. but today was the first year nobody did anything, so it was a bit striking. my friends and i typically do things for each other on bdays and certain holidays. if we didn’t i wouldn’t ever really think of it. so… it was a little disorienting when i realized i cared a little. i was like “wait why do i give a shit ahhh”
You should try to separate the feelings of disappointment from not getting something (materialism) and from not being recognized. In the past when you told people gifts were not needed and you just appreciated the intent of wishing you well, did you mean it?
Flip it over and ask, if someone didn’t wish you a happy birthday at all but just shipped over some trinket around that day, would this feel satisfying? Do you need the wish along with the present, or are you focused on what you’re getting physically vs. the sentiments?
I’ve never been a big birthday person, or any of these gifting holidays, as I hate the stress of both finding the right thing for someone and the dread of getting something I don’t want or need but having to act happy (not that I don’t appreciate their effort, but they could have not and just spent time and I’d be much happier).
I think what I hate most about any type of yearly anniversary is that it’s always felt to me like it’s an excuse to act different on that day to the receiving party (birthday, Mother’s Day, even things like Memorial Day), but what about the rest of the year? Why should one day be so special and we forget people or treat them any different for 364 other days? That’s just my take on holidays in general, and I think the over-commercialization of them all has created the resentment I feel about them.
But back to the original topic - you have to figure out why this impacted you so much. If it’s materialism, then address that, it’s not healthy. If it’s just the attention needed, that’s more understandable and you can fix that by being the instigator of your attention and ask friends beforehand if they want to go out for your birthday somewhere. Both as a reminder to them (maybe some actually forgot, it happens) and to give that centered focus that you may need. Lastly, think about why birthdays are so important to you. Are you the same way with Christmas or other holidays? Do YOU do the same for others, giving attention and some tangible thing to everyone you know? If so, maybe that’s why it bothers you, since they aren’t reflecting your actions. If not… well, that’s a bit hypocritical, so think about that a bit.
Happy Birthday! Its certainly worth celebrating, and definitely an achievement. Do something nice for yourself, you deserve it 😊
Hey friend. I’ve recently stopped giving gifts for friends birthdays because I’m a crotchety old bastard now (30s) but I still love them just as much. My reason is more subconscious than an intentional decision. I just don’t care about my birthday and don’t really feel like anybody else does. I still get friends kids little gifts or whatever because it excites the little rascals but when it comes to friends I think the mutual support is more meaningful. When they are in a bad spot I’m there and vice-versa and that’s more than enough for me.
I think because of your post I might start back up giving birthday gifts though because what if it was meaningful and they don’t say?
Happy birthday. I hope you have supportive and loving friends who just don’t care about birthdays.
i don’t doubt the love my friends have for me. i am certain my friends value me. i think what hit me most was the fact it became acceptable and i would be ungrateful for noticing it. i suddenly felt old and ignored lol.
same age, know that feeling, it really hurts.
happens to me for a few years, so many I don’t even know the last time anyone did anything for me.
it always stings.
i’m sorry you can relate. it’s even worse at this age because now i am having to internalize feeling too old to care about my birthday. some consider my emotions immature, but i don’t know how to act whatever age i am apparently supposed to act lol. i’m already bothered by aging and knew this mentality was common but now that i’m facing it i understand it even less. my friends don’t think like that, thankfully, so i’m sure that isn’t impacting them this year… but it seems apathy is all over the place. something is going on.
it isn’t that you want a bouncy castle and a clown art your party.
you just want to be celebrated and being validated on this milestone. it’s a perfectly normal feeling and the vacuum from getting nothing really hurts. it’s definitely not childish.
i know this probably doesnt mean much coming from a stranger on the internet, but happy birthday, you wonderful human! <3
i do appreciate it, thank you.
