To quote the Onion themselves:

No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.

Because novelty is all it has. As soon as it stops improving in a way that makes people say “oh that’s neat”, it has to stand on the practical merits of its capabilities, which is, well, not much.

We could have had that. Now, we might not even have an FTC.

The election emboldened some very shitty people to go mask off.

This may sound pedantic, but you’re looking for Fairtrade (one word) for the organization with the strictest vetting standards. Fair Trade (two words) isn’t regulated and just means they follow some sort of ethical code. It’s not necessarily bad, but it warrants more product specific research.

Not too long ago, this would be a career-ending display of corruption.

The main difference is that in equal measure to being a fascist, Trump is an idiot.

“Something I hope we can do no matter who you voted for is see each other not as adversaries but as fellow Americans, Bring down the temperature.”

No. Human rights aren’t a disagreement. We can disagree on whether or not we enjoyed a movie or on what pizza toppings we prefer. But if the disagreement is that you want to kill me or people I care about, you are, by definition, my adversary.

I’m not convinced we’ll go even a single decade of this regime without total socioeconomic collapse.

Trains are extremely convenient. You optimize them for convenience by adding more trains.

Only if you’re exactly the right denomination too.

That just means you value your own ability to evade blame over the lives of real people.

Oh he’d act. He’d assist Russia and be the other Axis power.

2 years. Immediately after the midpoint of the term, he’ll get 25th’d, giving Vance the remainder of the term and leaving him eligible for two more, which he’ll win due to the 2028 and 2032 elections both being North Korea style shams, intended to compile lists of suspected dissidents rather than decide anything.

Trump is just the useful idiot to install Vance, who’s essentially a Musk proxy.

Sure. Let’s just apply that consistently then. Atoms are binary, the vast majority (with fewer than 1% of atoms being exceptions) can be accurately identified as one of two distinct elements, hydrogen or helium.

Yep. Same software, same hardware, just different config files.

So where are the “Republicans are good for the economy” voters now?

How is a gmod shitpost anything but a return to tradition?

You know there’s a significant Puerto Rican population in New York and Florida, right?