Like usually every minute I’d quickly look around to make sure there aren’t weirdos following me.
For context: I’m a young-adult male, but I don’t exactly have training in martial arts or anything, so I’m every time I see anyone that looks “tough” I don’t feel safe.
When I was a kid, my parents told me the usual “stranger danger” talk. Also in movies and tv, there are usualy a lot of plot involving peoppe getting followed, and the victim never looks back. In crime stories, and in the news, people usually become a victim if a bad person follows them home.
So when I went to school as a kid/teen, I’d always be scanning my surroundings like very often, especially when nearing home, I’d be like looking around every 20 seconds to see if there’s weirdos following.
Even as a young adult, I kinda still have this instinct. I mean, we hear about crime everywhere. I don’t exactly live in a “slum”, but I live in a big city, and more people generally means more crime, and statistically, crime is sort of an issue where I live, I mean, it’a a city, you know how it is. This is in the US btw.
I don’t carry a gun, don’t wanna have intrusive thoughts about killing myself so I don’t want that, so I carry pepper spray just in case.
I mean, I’m probably not gonna change my behavior, I think its good to be cautious, this question is just me trying to see if there’s anyone else out there think thinks like me.
I don’t worry about it cause I figure I’ll sense it if someone is close behind me
I don’t look around like I’m being followed, but I keep my head on a swivel for anything. Wild animal, car out of control, etc. seen enough videos of people getting fucked up by random things.
As a woman, constantly
As a woman, you should.
You shouldn’t have to, either.
Nah save your energy. You’ll almost certainly know your rapist and it’ll be in private.
Statistically, yes. 90% known means that 1 in 10 rapes are by strangers.
I would not play Russian Roulette even if the revolver had 10 cylinders.
Nah. Freaking out over low risk events is called anxiety.
Very very few people are just raped on the street.
Its not anxiety to be situationally aware as a woman.
1 in 5 women have been victims of attempted or completed rape. 10% are by strangers, so 1 in 50 women in the US have been raped by strangers. There are 167.84 million females in the US. That means 3.34 million women in the US have been raped by strangers.
Your definition of “very very few” is much different than mine.
So well well under 1% and of those occurrences you still haven’t accounted for walking home on a street. 👌👍
As a big, scary-looking dude, I hate going out in public because I know I freak solitary women out. I feel like I should wear a shirt that says “I apologize for being here,” or something. I’m sorry the world is this way. Y’all deserve peace and security.
Is there anything people like me can do to assure those around us that we are not the ones to fear? Like, is there a tattoo I can get or a hat I can wear or something? I wish rapers and miscreants had a distinctive look that us regular folk could avoid.
Of course, I currently look like Harry Henderson with a septum piercing, so I guess probably a shave could help, but I really like my beard. It’s my security blankie :-[
The “alt” style helps a lot, actually (ime). I trust metal head-looking dudes over frat boy-looking dudes 1000% but that’s anecdotal
I was a bouncer for years, I’d take a metal night over a pop / frat crowd any time. Polo shirt and chinos, watch your drink ladies.
Honestly nail polish too. Cis men are usually too afraid to wear any, so when they do it’s often a good sign. Bonus points if it isn’t black
Hell yeah, nice. That makes me feel a little better.
Just ignore us. Consistent eye contact, staring, or obviously paying a lot of unwarranted attention to us is way more threatening than just being big or burly.
So you mean I have to act like a normal human being? Fuck. I’m too curious and autistic for that. Are you sure there’s not a hat I can wear?
There’s a hat for the opposite of this. This isn’t fair.
(Mostly joking)
I think the big thing is engaging with people.
I’m average size, but historically have RBF, so to counter it I try to engage with people.
Eye contact is huge. We can tell you’re friendly from that alone (when it’s done in a friendly way, not the staring down kind, haha).
I have a couple big friends, and it’s easy to tell which are friendly by how they carry themselves (they’re both friendly, one just comes across more friendly). It’s interesting to watch.
I typically make eye contact, do a little nod, and say “howdy” or “ay” in a sheepish manner.
I try to project the image of “if you need anything, let me know.”
I usually make a point to take off my hood if I have one on, and generally lift my head and maybe give them a nod/smile, or otherwise indicate that “I’ve seen you, and I’m letting you see my face clearly”. If we’re alone in a dark, empty place at night, I’ll also make a point to cross the street away from them.
I’ve talked to some women about how they prefer men to act, and they generally said they think what I do is decent. Of course, that’s reliant on the whole “make eye-contact, nod, smile, and wave”-thing being done in a disarming and “I’m friendly and I see you, and I’m going to mind my own business”-way, and not a creepy way.
I’m a 6’2" guy and people only mess with me if they’re intoxicated. I’m always completely aware of my surroundings unless I’m in a crowded place that should be safe (like malls and airports).
All my sketchy encounters were on public transit, so I no longer take it in my city (transit in Denver is THE FUCKING WORST). I’ve been threatened and followed multiple times by drugged out weirdos, but let me tell you about the two worst incidents: 1) I was jumped and attacked by a random guy at an empty train station, there was nobody around to help or even witness and I ran for my life as he chased me; 2) guy at a bus stop recognized me from my workplace and he followed me on the bus to my girlfriend’s place and then on another bus back to my home and he started hanging around outside my workplace hoping to run into me. So yeah most of the time I’m hyper-aware of everything happening around me in public and you’re right to be as well.
I don’t necessarily look around like I’m being followed. But it took me a very long time to be comfortable listening to music or having headphones on while walking, or in public at all.
The idea of not being able to hear my surroundings and be ready to react to something is still really weird to me. It takes all of my mental effort to put it to the back of my brain while walking my dog.
It’s not even necessarily worrying about someone with malicious intent. It could be not being able to sense another walker coming up behind me. Or two kids playing catch and a ball going astray towards my face. Just the idea of not having situational awareness at all times freaks me out.
Depends? Shady part of the city, late night, slightly drunk and alone? Absolutely. Going for lunch in a nic small town? Absolutely not. The street sign I run into would probably tell me it’s sorry.
So, yeah, depends on the situation. I’ve had most negative interactions either in crowds or at places like train stations, so that is where I am most paranoid
train stations
Oh yea that’s terrifying. I usually stand as far away from the edge as possible. In NYC, people would push you into an oncoming subway-train. Idk wtf is wrong with people.
Oh wow. I was referring to aggressive beggars or pickpockets. That seems like a whole different category of problems.
Look at it like driving - you should be looking as far down the road as you can for “threats”, and maintaining awareness of other cars and their behaviour all around you, and behind you, so you can predict what they’re going to do.
We teach “Defensive Driving”, which includes avoiding risky situations - don’t let yourself get boxed in, watch for that car driving… assertively, and create a space for them to go so they don’t cause problems for the rest of them, etc.
Rest of life is not really different - situational awareness is the primary tool for our safety. Don’t step into the street without looking, don’t walk under that ladder or scaffolding (things fall from work sites all the time), walk through the yard with the barking dog, etc.
Threats from people just become part of your overall situational awareness.
I recommend the book “The Gift of Fear” By Gavin deBecker. He essentially espouses the usefulness of fear and situational awareness.
Maybe this will help you reframe what seems paranoid fear into something more reasonable and useful.
Edit: The big thing is to engage in the society around you. If you’re engaged, you’re part of it all, people are aware of you. We actually get the word “idiot” from the Greeks - it was the term they used to describe people who didn’t engage in the “polis” (society) - it meant someone not involved, not skilled at this (or other skills). So don’t be an idiōtēs, engage with people!
I do it subconsciously, 100% of the time. I’m always aware of potential threats.
Also, this is what I hate most about open work spaces. It’s hard to stay focused while also feeling very vulnerable.
If you’re so aware then how did I get inside of your weighted blanket?
…or are you?
You’re not cautious, you’re paranoid and fearful to the point it’s a bit concerning for your mental health (although the suicidal ideation tells me the whole situation is more than just a bit concerning). You know this ain’t normal, you know that’s not how people are meant to live their lives, you know this cannot continue for long before you either snap at/hurt someone who didn’t mean any harm or your mind breaks.
I know living in the USA cannot help your mental stability but it’s not a favela, it really ain’t that dangerous. Maybe moving to a smaller city or a town would work? Sometimes it’s easier to change our circumstances than to change ourselves, and sometimes the former allows the letter as well.
As a woman, yes, especially at night, because I value my life.
6’2 white man and I often walk with a dog, so no, people do not fuck with me.
If I were a woman tho I’d be carrying a weapon, but not paranoid about it.
Also a bigger guy. I’m clearly not a fighter but I’ve never had a problem so I don’t worry about it. I’m actually quite the opposite, where once in a while I realize I have not been at all aware of my surroundings and force myself to discover them
I’ve had this discussion with my teen. He’s not my size but he’s an athlete and weightlifter. Neither of us are anxious about taking our pitbull for late night walks, vs my ex who very much is
Being aware of your surroundings, regardless of a “safe” or “dangerous” place is just street smarts. However, you may not realize that looking around every minute makes you look scared and people who want to victimize you will catch on to that fear and target you. And other people, that are not trying to harm you, will think there is something wrong with you and avoid you as the “danger stranger”. I would suggest being more calm, use your ears as well as your eyes, and look a little less often. “Blend in” is the safe way to move through an area.
I don’t keep checking to see if I’m being followed, but assessing people nearby seems to be practical awareness.
Its probably some baked in survival skills.
Spacial awareness is good to have no matter who you are or what your situation is. What’s not good is being constantly worried or paranoid.
I look for lots of things. Who’s in the area, what’s in the area and what are different ways to get out if I need to. But I’m not specifically on the lookout for weirdos, as in, I’m constantly worried they’ll be there or anything. If I notice someone sus I keep tabs on them until I don’t think it’s a threat.
One night I was out walking my dog, who was still under a year old (he was already a big dog though), and a guy is walking in the opposite direction. I see him coming but he’s got a hoodie on and pulled up over his head, ducked in a way that I can’t see his face. My radar didn’t go off, but I made sure to watch him out of the corner of my eye as we passed each other. Then, he turns and heads straight for me.
So, I turned towards him and put my hands up. I couldn’t outrun him with my dog, and I figured once I started making a commotion my dog might help out.
It turned out to be my (now-ex) fiance playing a trick on me, seeing what I would do. Once he saw me square up he threw back his hood and gave me a lecture on how I should have ran.Fucking asshole behavior, but I guess now I know what I’d do in that situation.
Anyway, no one’s ever done that to me since, but I still keep my wits about me. I also don’t think I’m constantly going to be followed by creepers either.
I’ve been punched in the face by passers-by without any provocation in my life before, which has led to me constantly being vigilant.
Bruh wtf
Not a good time. Definitely one of those loss of innocence moments. I used to stride fearlessly through the city in the middle of the night, and I have not quite gotten that back yet. It’s better, but not the same.
