Like yeah, exactly. With the right person, you can talk for hours and hours about all kinds of stuff that interests you.
with the right person you can also be quiet with for hours
One of the best relationships I ever had.
We still don’t talk sometimes
This! Silence is so much better than unnecessary and forced talking
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But also meaningless bullshit. That does not denote a bad relationship.
Exactly. I can’t remember where I heard this - it might have been a podcast like RadioLab or something else - but it was talking about how happily married, intelligent couples talk to each other .
It turns out, it’s not usually super deep, intelligent conversations. The vast majority of conversations are just meaningless bullshit. Most of the time, couples aren’t even really talking to each other, but they’re just kind of thinking aloud. Stupid stuff like, “I swear I saw a dozen blue Volkswagens today.”
It turns out that people who are comfortable with each other don’t need to have deep conversations all the time. They can just relax, unwind, and be themselves.
My partner will talk to herself, loud enough to be audible, but not (to deaf me.) loud enough to be coherent. Drives me fucking insane. I have my ways of driving her insane.
That may be a blessing for the both of you, friend.
Sorry mate, that’s gone right over my head. She’s said to me that “love is putting up with your partners downsides”. I’m a massive pain in the arse, so …
She’s not wrong. I just meant her muttering may be about the downsides. Not always, ofc, because I’m single and still mutter.
Nah, it’s about what she’s doing or whatever’s going on.
The way I understand “Smalltalk” is not whether the subject matter is “serious enough” but rather whether either party actually has any interest in it, or if it is a polite nicety to avoid awkward silence.
Discussing the weather in a car ride with a coworker is smalltalk, contemplating with a friend how one might conquer the world using ant-controlling super powers is not.
This exactly. “Do you think free will exists” could, in fact, be small talk, if neither of you is particularly interested in the topic.
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Small stuff doesn’t really interest me, or my partner.
Doesn’t mean we’re incapable of discussing dinner plans or cleaning schedules.
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Indeed I can confirm.
Just a few days ago I pondered the life of plants and asked my wife how she thinks the death of a plant is defined if for animals (including humans of course) it’s mostly the heartbeat.
So when is a plant dead?
When you see its little planty soul waft up to heaven.
For hours, every day, for years or decades? That has never happened.
My wife and I will sit in the same room for hours and never speak a word to each other. We only talk when we have something to say, and we’re both happy with that relationship. My sister thinks we’re crazy, but we like it quiet.
My steppairents are like this and beeing with them, at a meal table, and have nobody say anything for 20 Minutes is so fucking wired. I am getting used to it, but it’s still off as fuck.
I’m interested to know the dynamic that causes two step parents to be together like that. Is it one parent and one step parent or a step parent that remarried and now you have a step step parent?
Just two parents to a person named Step.
I like the word “pairents”
Thanks. That’s actually one of my own words, but you can use it all you want if you wish to do so.
“Such weather we’re having huh?”
Truly peak romance
But at least it’s a conversation you can work with “oh yeah it’s so nice we should go do X” or “yeah it’s crazy out there, we should stay in and watch a movie and snuggle” the point of small talk is to open avenues of conversation… I think people just don’t know how to have conversations anymore and chalk it up to “not liking small talk”. Observation and response is a perfectly normal way to start a conversation
I think it’s more about your expectation from interactions with strangers. I will tolerate a ton of weather talk from my wife but if the guy taking my order at 5 Guys tries the same thing it’s not going to be as well received.
Why? I like when strangers try to talk to me honestly
I think I like it more than most but not just to hear words out loud. If you have a story about the weather impacting your day that’s much more interesting than just commenting on it in general.
It’s raining in south latvia btw
Amazing
Yet sunny in central australia
we should go do X
we should stay in and watch a movie and snuggle
That’s not small talk, that’s planning what to do today. You can open the same conversation with “hey, what do you want to do today?”
And how will you plan anything if you don’t know the weather genius???
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I occasionally lecture my 3DPD wife about science facts and she hates it. She’ll say things like “what?” And “I was just asking what we should do for dinner”
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the point of small talk is to open avenues of conversation
If you’re married to someone, all avenues of conversation should be open the minute you’ve both said hi. If you need to talk about the weather before you decide what to get for dinner, with your spouse, then your marriage is a failure.
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You’re probably joking, but know that there’s a subset of us that gets pathologically anxious and confused by small talk. Autistic people for example. Different folks, different strokes. Not everyone deals well with talking about the weather, and that’s ok. There’s billions who do deal well with it, and that’s ok too! Be a mensch and talk to them instead.
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It’s great that it worked out for you, and I’m happy for you, but we don’t need to force everyone to fit the same mould.
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Ah my bad, I thought you were complaining about people not wanting to engage in small talk, and I thought you were suggesting that people should just suck it up and talk about the weather even if they don’t want to. I’m a bad communicator, and I sometimes misread stuff like that.
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My wife asks how my day was “great, or good, or whatever” then I ask how her day was she usually stops talking before bedtime. Works for both of us!
It’s not small talk, because i actually care how my wife’s day was.
How do you get married to someone if you never started with small talk?
through meeting with intent so your talks are not small.
You seem lovely on dates
In the case of my grandfather he just went all in on his batshit insane stories, his first one was apparently how he electrocuted his balls. My grandmother avoided him initially, but after she realized he was the charming type of insane she warmed up to him. The fuck were people doing in the 70s?
Electrocuting their balls, apparently.
Well that and using chemicals that cause cancer if you don’t use a mask with a filter. He came to regret that one. My grandfather was a walking OSHA violation.
The free will question is much closer to the conversations I was having with my wife before we got married. We were talking for hours every day, I can’t imagine spending hours on small talk.
Try getting married to a dragon, they don’t care about small talk
I can’t, morally, upvote you but I appreciate your self-consistency.
What did drag do?
Idk. Everyone’s done something but I don’t know them like that.
I was adopting a joke stance against their dragon fuckinf.
Well that wasn’t really the question. But actually I met her when we were both pretty young so I don’t recall it being much of an issue. We probably talked about kid stuff.
What’s your favorite color? Do you like hot wheels? Perhaps our definition of small talk differs from others. To me it’s a starting point to get into deeper conversations.
Because that way “I see you as a friend!” lies. At least that’s why I’m single.
I guess I see small talk as gateway questions to deeper conversations. I met me wife by asking about the weather.
“Hi there! Beautiful weather we’re having, isn’t it?”
“Yes, perfect for marrying…”
Asking someone you love “How was your day?” is a meaningful question. Small talk is bullshit time wasting between randos or acquaintances.
“Lovely weather today, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, makes me feel like picnics,”
is expressing feelings to each other, affirming a shared worldview in which sunny weather is good, and affirming the value of each others’ feelings and potential plans.
Just because the real meaning is hidden, doesn’t negate the value.
That’s fair. Sometimes I can be a bit grumpy with randos.
When I say “I hate small talk” I actually mean “please Shut up, Im really anxious and I don’t know what to respond to you other that nodding and «Thats crazy»”
Understandable. And relatable.
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Pal you actually sounds like someone who really HATES small talk, Jesus…
I hate small talk, because you (a stranger) do not interest me and I don’t care about trying to connect with you. I have neither the need nor the energy to try and am very comfortable just being in silence.
I small talk with people that I interact on a daily basis and need to communicate with (coworkers). Even then it heavily depends on how much energy I have.
I small talk with my friends and SO because I want to connect. So I put effort in to be present in the conversations.
It’s not right to lump small talk with a cashier, cab driver or a haircutter together with small talk with a friend or a partner.
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Listen man, we (as individuals) can’t care for or help everybody. Connect with the ones you care about and don’t harm everyone else. The fact that I don’t care about you, doesn’t mean we can’t coexist or even help each other.
Looking form another angle, why not wanting to socialize in stranger small talk is bad? Why I am expected to accommodate? Why can’t we just enjoy the silence in this hypothetical situation?
I see this sentiment more often than not. Me, as the less social party, is expected to move out of my comfort zone, but the person trying get me into a conversation isn’t expected do the same and just keep to themselves.
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I suppose there’s nuance in everything. That’s a fair criticism.
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after you get through all the asking each other stuff to get to know each other’s histories etc phase, it’s okay to just not talk all the time
It’s not just histories and facts, though. Sure, you don’t have to talk all the time, but sharing feelings and connection, in a relaxing way, through small talk, helps maintain and build that connection. More important for some people than others.
I do exactly this ! Hi honey how was your day ? Kids were restless ? Ok. Does that affect your stance on education through play ? is punishment sometimes advisable ? you haven’t read your copy of Foucault’s Discipl… hey where are you going ?.. baby ??
“I’ll be right back, I forgot my stack of research notes in the kitchen! Do you need citations?”
Not spelled like that, no.
Fuckin’ got 'em.
Hey, that’s racist. Freewill’s ancestors were enslaved and abused for generations, now they’re free so his parents, William and Wilhimina, named him Freewill to celebrate his freedom!
Silence is bliss while doing your own hobbies together.
I absolutely love questions like this! My wife absolutely hates them. She often gets irritated when people ask questions about what you think.
Like when our therapist asked her “How do you think your actions contribute to your own unhappiness?”
I feel like you wrote another six paragraphs about all the reasons why she asked your wife that specific question before deleting it all… I feel that feels.
I never was good at being subtle.
“How do you feel about being to blame for your problems and relationship difficulties?”
“Um… >:-(”
“See, you never like it when I ask about your feelings!”
I just went with forgoing my own self care and losing my sense of self in pursuit of meeting her ever changing expectations instead of acknowledging if come to define myself be the relationship. Not sure which is better…
Not to worry though, the papers are in the mail!
Ah, sorry to hear that. It’s a tough barrier to break, when a partnership is like that. I wish you the best in the future.
Is or is not talking about how your days went considered small talk? I literally don’t know now. I’d say it’s small talk.
Small talk is a way to gauge someone’s mood before going for the bigger discussions
If a colleague asks me “Hi, how’re you doing?” it’s small talk and I’ll respond something like “Oh you know, the usual.” If my partner asks me “Hi, how was your day?” it’s a genuine question and I will respond “That fucking dickhead at work that always plays nice and personable came around with another set of “urgent” requests and no fucking clue what he’s actually asking for, whether it’s possible or why I told him last week it isn’t.”
The difference is in how serious I take the question.
I think that’s still small talk either way tho? The fact that you launch into some part of your day doesn’t change that it’s gauging your mood on her end. You could just as easily answered: “Snoozefest, how about your day?” or “Nightmarish headache from start to end, hold me”. See how these are all logical answers that would (I hope) evoke a different response from your partner?
The fact that you launch into some part of your day doesn’t change that it’s gauging your mood on her end.
Maybe not, but the fact that me launching into that is an accepted and expected part of the response does.
If a manager calls me about a project and asks how I am, they don’t want me recounting an earlier frustrating interaction. As you say, they’re trying to gauge my mood, but ultimately my mood or how it came to be are irrelevant because we’re here to talk business. If I omit my headache, they don’t care.
If my GF asks me, she actually wants a response. If I omit my headache and she finds out later, she’ll be upset: “Why didn’t you say so earlier?”
That expectation is the difference.
I think so? Perhaps it’s small talk as long as it remains small. “Hi honey, what did you find out about the coefficient of friction in the graviton chamber after interviewing that nazi scientist, and does it mean we have to uproot our family and travel to a new country again?” is probably not small talk, unless it’s answered by, “oh, yeah, friction’s quite big, it’s all fine; can I have some toast?”
I REFRAIN FROM THE PRACTICE OF UTILIZING MINISCULE SPEECH. EACH AND EVERY INSTANCE OF MY EXPRESSION IS VAST AND VERBOSE AND MAXIMAL.
Literally yes.
