A few years ago, I told my girlfriend at the time that we should try different things. I said that during our movie nights, where we sit in front of the TV with a big bowl of popcorn. Prior to that, I brought up how we should get a bigger screen, and a more comfy sofa.

Midway through the movie, she’s crying. I thought it was about the movie.

At the end of the movie, she seemed different. I asked her if she was okay, and she said she’s been emotional over my statement of “trying different things” with seeing other people.

My poor girlfriend spent half a movie thinking we were breaking up! I was literally talking about improving our movie experience!

Anyways we’re married and we did improve our movie experience.

Not me but a few years ago my wife received a call from my stepdad and she shrieked out, “OMG, you’re mums dead!” In absolute terror. It sent panic through me as you’d imagine.

Turns out she misinterpreted him through his crying saying that my mothers cat had died. (it got run over)

facepalm

At an old job, there was a client who was needing help fixing some fancy software/hardware that my company supported. It was apparently a somewhat dire situation so they needed someone to fly out urgently to fix it, or something like that, I wasn’t a part of the initial nothing-put-into-writing call. (Miscommunication 1)

My co-worker at a different office bailed at the very last minute and said someone else would need to do it. I drew the short straw so I was basically flying out in an hour or so to see this client that I’ve never met and had no experience with.

I asked said co-worker for details on the client, to which I got a somewhat snobby reply of ‘well this is what the [CRM] is for, dummy’. (This was miscommunication 2)

So alright cool grab the client name, hand it over to the secretary who sets up flights and other arrangements, and I’m off in a rush. (Miscommunication 3)

Secretary got [Client], LLC and not [Client], INC. Neither of us realized there were two of the same names in the system.

I arrive at the client’s site, walk in, and they are completely baffled on why I am there and what I am trying to do. After a ridiculously embarrassing call with my boss I ended up driving to the correct location, several hours away, and showing up early in the morning.

…Only to find out that the client was ultimately missing a license key. One that they didn’t have nor did we have, but a separate third party who originally set it up. We didn’t know that was the case because my co-worker was the only one who had experience with this client and didn’t mention this. (Miscommunication 4)

It was a miserable time.

When I was living in Japan for a few years, I ended up dating a Filipino lady for a while. But she had no concept of colloquialisms; she took everything I said 100% literally. I quickly discovered that the English language is riddled with colloquialisms and we use them constantly.

One evening, she had called me maybe 6 times over the course of a couple hours. On the next call, I picked up and said, “Damn, you’re killing me!”

She immediately broke down crying. She wailed, “Why would you ever say that?! I would never want to kill you!”

It took maybe a half hour to calm her down and get her to understand that this is an English expression and not meant to be taken literally. She finally agreed that I didn’t mean it, but she told me I’m not allowed to use that expression again, because it hurts her heart to hear me accuse her of wanting to kill me.

Maybe not direct miscommunication, but definitely a lack of context.

I got into a stupid game with my girlfriend texting back and forth quotes that start with “I am” like I’d send “I am Iron Man” and she’d respond “I am not a crook!”

After a while, I was running out of ideas, so I sent a quote from Pulp Fiction which I probably botched. Wasn’t sure if she had even seen it.

A few minutes later, my ex girlfriend calls and then hangs up when I answer. Thought that was weird.

Then I thought about how my ex and current girlfriend had the same first name.

I had just texted my ex who I hadn’t spoken to in two years “I AM THE LORD WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON YOU!”

I tried to explain the context. She was fairly understanding, but I was shoook after that experience.

I recently tried to be nice and fill my grandmas car’s tank. She thought her fuel gauge was broken because her trip odometer was at a reading where she usually puts in gas. She tried like 4 times to fill the tank which caused it to overflow into the vapor recovery. If I had mentioned it, she wouldn’t have overfilled. If she had told me, I could have let her know and saved her the diagnostics charge and gotten her cat back sooner.

Every communication with my ex. No amount of explaining what I actually was saying could fix the initial communication issue. Whatever she thought I was saying in that first moment was the only thing she would ever believe.

We went to move a patient to another room the other day because they were confused and trying to do unsafe things so we wanted to move them somewhere closer to the nurses station so we could keep a better eye on them. This conversation was also being had by way of a translator on video call on a work phone so we start guiding them down the hall while they’re confusedly babbling and I’m trying to keep the translator close in case real words happen to fall out that I need to understand.

Then the translator hollers out “please don’t give me a shot” and I was fumbling trying to get the phone close enough for the patient to hear me be like “NONONO we’re just moving you to a different room!” That translator earned her money that day. She was just about crying on the call by the end. There was other stuff about the overall situation that was also depressing but that moment in particular was very NO NO NO NO that is not what’s happening honey! Like I will if I have to but there’s about 20 more things I’m gonna try first!

Honestly this is just another example of why I had the translator app installed on all the work phones instead of just the iPad on the stand. So many people give up too quickly when the patient is confused and the translator can’t make sense of it and they don’t like pulling up the iPad on the stand because they don’t want to trip on it while running away or get hit with it but like. I’m a ten year veteran of talking people out of dumb decisions and the talking is actually pretty key, even and ESPECIALLY when the dumb decisions are actively happening.

It wasn’t totally catastrophic, but it still sucked because I liked this girl. She was complaining about someone she knew acting all bitchy and envious towards her, talking about going to the gym or something, so I wanted to set myself to compliment her and asked “well do you go to the gym?” and instead of her just saying “no” so that I could reply “because you don’t have you, you’re already incredibly attractive she’s just envious of that” she says instead “no wonder you’re still single Asafum, you’re an asshole.”

…ughh

More humorous than catastrophic in my particular instance, but a similar miscommunication involving different people could have gone worse.

I greet a friend as we pass in the quad and say, “What’re you up to?” He replies, “Looking for someone to pound my ass all night. How about you?”

Now I thought I was being propositioned, and politely declined. He said that while I did have an open invitation to join him in such recreational activities, he was on the way to ask someone else more likely to be interested. He didn’t notice the double entendre until I answered and only meant to return the question by asking what I was up to.

I sometimes think back to my last relationship, that I was with someone who I could’ve totally seen going all the way to the end with.

And I vividly recall a moment where for some stupid reason, during an argument we had, where I stressed about not wanting kids. Yet she was simply trying to re-iterate to me that she doesn’t want any either, because she actually can’t anyways. There were also some overlooked details that should’ve been obvious to me that this woman was as good as I was going to get, although not perfect, but because of those kinds of miscommunications, it wasn’t going to happen.

It was 4 years since.