Fuck the p away . . . fuck the p away
ETA damnit, just realized it should have been “fuck the peen away”
Jokes on you, my cock was small before I even had sex
The ladies call me needle dick. Because I thrust like a sewing machine.
This is basically what conversations and debates around sex sounded like before the internet … especially if you were a kid or a teenager. No one had a clue and every once in a while, some idiot with a bit of information would come forward and confidently make statements like this and we couldn’t agreed or disagree with them because no one could verify the information.
I remember one conversation when I was about eight and some older kid telling us that the number of thrusts you made when you had sex was the number of children you would have. And for the longest time I believed that.
Another one I heard as a teenager had to do with Asians … specifically Chinese women … people said that they had a vaginal canal that was like a corkscrew and it was really hard to get in there.
The dumb shit we heard and believed or semi-believed when we were growing up … which is why people like Sue Johanson on late night TV in Canada was a breath of fresh air … she had a talk show on late night TV with sex education and she talked about all the factual, scientific, medical stuff about sex and we learned lots from her. Seriously, look her up and find her videos.
specifically Chinese women … people said that they had a vaginal canal that was like a corkscrew and it was really hard to get in there.
I think thats a uh… duck.
Yes. Asian women are a witches, because they float like a duck and have corkscrew vagina like ducks and also feathers like ducks and all the things they say are really incomprehensible and just sounds like the same phoneme over and over again and are much shorter than us Europeans and their lips are really thin and long and firm and oh my god I think I need to break up with my girlfriend what have I done
Are you gonna go look for a duck?
No she went north for summer I just did it over text.
A Peking duck?
A succulent Peking duck?!
No, its the other way. The duck penis is shaped like a corkscrew. But it also has a barb at the end, so when it pulls out, it rips open the female ducks genitals.
The best word to describe duck sex is…horrific. Truely the stuff of nightmares. If you’re ever in a meadow, and a giant duck penis starts chasing you? You need a gun. That would put me in therapy.
It’s both.
It’s an evolutionary arms race, female ducks have clockwise spiraling vaginas with false pockets to stop male ducks who have counter clockwise corkscrew penises.
That sounds like a bad way to ensure the survival of your offspring?
and a giant duck penis starts chasing you? You need a gun
so it’s suicide?
because if it’s a giant duck penis you might need a rocket launcher. or autocannon.
I remember one conversation when I was about eight and some older kid telling us that the number of thrusts you made when you had sex was the number of children you would have. And for the longest time I believed that.
…soooooooo, you thought the default number of thrusts that 99% of men could accomplish was…one thrust?
And twins was when the guy made two whole thrusts?
Ok, lets forget sex, forget the internet, forget all of that. I think this is just reason we need to teach all kids critical thinking skills.
My parents got mad at me, because I asked my mom if inflation affected the tooth fairy. When she asked what I was talking about, I told her my two sisters only got 50 cents when they were kids. They’re 10 and 12 years older than me.
I was getting 1 dollar. And when I was trying to figure out why they got 50 cents, but I got a dollar, I remembered my dad always bitching about inflation. It made logical sense.
If you’re willing to accept the concept of selling your teeth to an unknown fairy, but notice a discrepency in pay, but also notice a 10 year gap, with your dad saying that inflation will kill your money over 10 years…then it’s logical to assume the tooth fairy corporation was affected by inflation,and had to start paying more for teeth, or else the kids wouldn’t sell them.
Then my sister told me it was actually the gender wage gap. And so I had to go ask my dad, at age 5, if I’m more valueable than my sisters, just because I have a penis. His response was “Yeah. Obviously.”
Mom was not happy with that reaction. You’ll not be surprised to know my mom eventually left my dad. I’m not saying it was over this incident, but this incident kind of helps paint a picture to help you understand why my mom didn’t want to be with my dad anymore.
So then I got put in catholic school, and without knowing what sex was, began to ask the church if Mary had baby Jesus, through God, so God is the father, why wasn’t Peter pissed that his wife was having a baby with another man? My friends parents split up, because she had a baby from another man. Logically I thought Peter should have been pissed, but he wasn’t. So I asked why.
I got told to go to the principals office for being disrespectful.
…soooooooo, you thought the default number of thrusts that 99% of men could accomplish was…one thrust?
You’re debating my eight year old self here … who lived in a remote village … in the north … where we had two TV channels … one radio station … no newspapers … terrible grade school … and parents who were born in the wilderness and abused by religious nuts in a residential school … parents who never, ever absolutely ever wanted to have any acknowledgement that the world even included the idea of sex between adults
I didn’t fully understand the concept of sex until I was about 16 … and even then, it was a pretty dumb introduction and education that it took my another decade before I could appreciate it properly
So then I got put in catholic school, and without knowing what sex was, began to ask the church if Mary had baby Jesus, through God, so God is the father, why wasn’t Peter pissed that his wife was having a baby with another man? My friends parents split up, because she had a baby from another man. Logically I thought Peter should have been pissed, but he wasn’t. So I asked why.
Joseph, not Peter.
Unless Peter was actually getting some on the side :/
I like you
I was just like you when I was a kid. Especially the things about religion.
There was a nun in my school to teach Catholicism (let’s not talk about why I attended because that’s another story). Everyone hated the nun because she was mean and unlikeable.
I used to go to her with a bible, with some passages underlined. I then asked some loaded questions. She would answer in a very predictable way. Then I’d say “but in this other passage it says … which is a contradiction! You don’t know very much do you?” and she always would get angry but also defeated and I loved it.
I got told to go to the principals office for being disrespectful.
Story of my life. I don’t know how my mother kept me in a religious school for so long. I think it was about the time someone in my family suddenly had a debilitating illness as I entered the ‘can think about more than lunch’ stage that triggered my questions. The fact that someone can claim there is a ‘good’ god that somehow coexists with children’s hospitals is just so mind-blowing.
I remember one conversation when I was about eight and some older kid telling us that the number of thrusts you made when you had sex was the number of children you would have. And for the longest time I believed that.
Lol
I always remember the ‘asian vagina’ rumor to be that it was sideways. Even as a kid I knew that one was stupid. How the fuck was it going to fit in the same position if it was sideways?
Clearly that’s why you need someone into oral. They’ll suck all the blood back into your penis to reinflate it. In fact, I’m going to start using that pickup line on all the guys. I bet my numbers start jumping!
There is no greater blessing under heaven than receiving enthusiastic oral
Do you want to be blessed?
Clearly that’s why you need someone into oral.
Hey! Your username is “Imadethis” what do you make?
A lemmy account. Now it’s a piefed account.
:(
I do love posts like this. Like, yes, point how just how flippin ridiculous the argument sounds when you flip it around…as if it didn’t sound ridiculous enough as-is. Love it 😆
OHHH… Fucking hell, this was so close to what I’ve seen that I assumed this was completely sincere. Masterful satire.
Yes, it’s a satire of the incel “roastie” BS.
I’m pretty sure that most guys would be happy to have this particular bit of wisdom be believed. >.>
Most guys need to get used to disappointment lol
The virgin penis is still full of cum that has built up in it over the years. That’s why it’s so big. Do you really want to have to face 5 year old cum
I imagine it probably turns to curd or cheese, and then polymerizes and you can shoot bullets like the worst revision batman.
it probably turns to curd or cheese
Ah, that’s what that is. I think mine is leaking
No worries, that can be used instead of butter to make sandwiches
No no, it’s the microplastics in our balls that make us shoot airsoft pellets
Is dick polymer biodegradable? If so, maybe we can tackle the whole microplastic issue as well!
What’s the expiration period on that?
Most seem to go around 70-80.
Who is this dude?
Iwan Rheon playing Ramsey Bolton in the show Game of Thrones.
It’s the melon fucker.
Yeah but that could be so many of us.
I mean, wait…
Yeah, that’s why I have a micro penis. All the sex I’ve had.
Prolly
Guess I fucked thousands and thousands of women in my sleep.
I am so sick and tired of saying this: it returns back to its normal size after intercourse!
Not if her partner is black. I’ve heard there’s no going back once it’s had that.
I’ve been married for many, many years, (the same woman too). And I can testify that there is a certain truth here.
I hate it. No chick wants to date me due to my small and thin penis that has been worn down to a tiny stump from all the sexual partners ive had. They tell me its like throwing a sausage down a hallway 😭
its gonna turn into a competition of who has the most shriveled penis
Username checks out
Damn my right hand must be too strong
The one on the right looks bigger though, it’s just zoomed out.
