On a serious note, having been that guy, this is the worst experience ever.
15 years of slowly being convinced being who I was, was wrong. 15 years of being told she was normal, what I wanted wasn’t. 15 years of isolation. 15 years brainwashing. 15 years of ever building self doubt.
Then she cheated on me.
Somehow I haven’t been in grippy socks yet. Pretty fucking close though with the outpatient stuff I do. Been on one date with someone else.
Edit: A greentext post of all places to get this wonderful support. 🥲
I was in it for 5 years. I wouldn’t have made it another decade. Glad you’re on the other side. I hope you can find your emotions, the ones that you have somewhere inside that really care for you in a way you haven’t felt all this time.
Also therapy if you can afford it and find one that clicks with you. It’s frustratingly helpful in that it doesn’t feel like you’re doing much but the reinforcement and structure is everything.
And definitely more dates!
I don’t get why relationships are such a hsrd requirement for people.
You can be blind to the problems you’re facing for a long time. For me it was a combination of her perpetuating abusive behaviors from her youth and me not understanding boundaries and my own avoidance. Outside of that it was right around 2020 so i had a lot of distractions and instability. It took me a long time to realize that the relationship had these problems.
My point is that taking so long to end it had to do with anything except a relationship being a requirement. I do want to be in a relationship but for intimacy, solidarity, vulnerability, company etc… The status doesn’t play into it at all.
If those don’t make sense to you then that’s just as normal. If you’re confused by them then look into aromanticism.
Nah, I have been AeroAce for a long time, I realized that I can’t really depend on other people, and that outside opinions don’t really matter.
I have notes specifically for what I think I did wrong, and will ask others as needed. Otherwise, time and energy are the only real limits.
EDIT: Specifically, I’m not AeroAce, I just see it as selfish desire that I’m not entitled to.
No one is entitled to another human being. Relationships are about mutual interest.
Exactly! And I see myself as especially unworthy of other people.
Fair. I just hope you find yourself worthy of your own self care, love, and respect.
I’m doing some particularly frequent therapy at the moment. Medication management, occupational stuff.
So far I’ve only met one person on the apps. So I’m working on finding stuff to go to to meet more people. It’s a small city, so kind of limited. Can’t move because of a kid. That makes it way harder to date too.
But one thing I’m trying to remind myself - I’ll be in my 40s when my son is 18. I figure I can probably really safely leave him at home way before that. So maybe in 5 years or so. I had a teacher in his 50’s marry another teacher in her late 20s (and they are still together 15 years later) so I’d say there’s still time.
Nice!
Yeah, and additionally, meeting other parents around school events can be good. There’s lots of time. Seems like you’re making the right moves. Best of luck!!!
Big hugs, friend. You’re not alone out here. It gets better. Take your time.
Thank you. Knowing that others have recovered gives me some hope.
Been on one date with someone else.
Congrats ! 🎉
Each step, however small it may seem, away from this abusive person is a great one
There is a name for it: Narcissistic Abuse. Keep going, you’ll make it through. It gets better.
Could literally be me but 10 years instead of 15. I hope you’re doing so much better now and that many positive things come your way.
Children need a parent, and some adults never pass that stage.
Not swearing is a big fuckin ask.
Yeah but the advertisers don’t want to be associated with that language so he’s gotta censor it.
Woof…
That’s rough
That’s not a girlfriend it’s a second mother.
Oof
Pretty common phenomenon. And it works for some people, there are men who need hand holding and women who want to nurture (or vice versa). I think it would be healthier for OOP to recognize it for what it is though, and also that it’s not a universal experience. For example I’d be miserable as either party in that relationship.
Odepus
Well there’s a fella who really loved his mother
He spent more time in her than dad did, before he even was born. Guess he got addicted.
There’s certain common patterns this dynamic seems to take:
- They end up in that type of traditional marriage for fifty years where the wife controls absolutely everything and the man throws around jokes about ball and chain. This ends when either one dies; if the man dies first, the wife will live happily for another ten years, but if the wife dies first, the man follows soon
- The man loses all sights of himself and becomes a passive and meek “yes, dear” -man, and then the girlfriend (or wife if they managed to get married) eventually gets bored since the project car isn’t fun anymore, and cheats or just straight up leaves him. This pattern might also involve straight up domestic violence where the man is too embarrassed and scared to seek help
- The girlfriend (or wife again) gets tired of taking care of a manchild instead of having an equal partner, and leaves. This happens especially if they have children and the wife realizes it’s actually easier to take care of the children alone. Often the man also ends up whining about how he doesn’t understand what he did wrong, and thought everything was going so well
That’s reading an awful lot into a post that’s both fake and gay
deleted by creator
It’s clearly a step-mom if anything.
(Tho op didn’t actually specify Jocastas family details.)
Don’t look for the easy way out of your own maturity. Nobody can tell you who you are better than you. Look for someone who wants to build you up, not control you.
Hell yeah. Make it mutual too.
That’s beautiful
Anon likes to be dommed
Pre negotiated consensual power exchange? No thanks I want the unhealthy version please
Or even just needs to be to have some quality of life.
Not everyone can have personal assistants.
Having a partner in life makes a huge difference to motivation. I dont really agree with this idea of them leveraging things to force you to act that sounds like a living hell. These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner.
These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner
how i knew i could marry my wife, i wanted to do this.
Amen brother.
Yeah, no. That is not what I signed up for.
We do lift each other up, it’s not a one way thing. Can advise, and do, and he does with me too. So sure, I am willing to make suggestions and he always wants me to do stuff like style his wardrobe, do all the interior design, etc., yeah I’m down, my eye is better. He plans all the trips, his mom was a travel agent.
But would not dream of using sex as a lever, because I want sex for sex.
And I sure as fuck don’t want another kid, I want a partner.
What does “sit like a man” mean ?
Don’t cross your legs ? 😅
There are different styles of crossing your legs. If you put one knee over the other, that style is often seen as feminine. Compare this with putting one ankle over the other knee (so the top leg is roughly flat) and that is seen as the masculine way.
I do both. Which one depends on the situation.
Lmfao what
One knee over the other is feminine? That’s fucking wild because I do it, my brother does it, my dad does it and my mom doesn’t.
Guess I better start wearing a kilt and “sitting like a real man” lmfao
If projecting an air of masculinity is important to you, perhaps? There’s a lot of subtleties that we socially and often unnoticed project, just ask the trans community.
Ugh, yet another set of social norms to camouflage with.
It’s totally a thing, at least in public perception. For example, in Fortnite, there’s an emote called “Have a seat.” Here’s two of my skins doing it: https://i.ibb.co/Fb9BRS9J/IMG-20251109-155653-COLLAGE.jpg
Notice anything? Spike and Chun-Li do totally different animations because they have different gender presentations.
What the flip
Oh well just another thing that masculinity is wrong about.
It’s just about bone structure at the hips, it’s more comfortable for us to sit legs apart.
I don’t pay attention to be honest. But now I might
You probably have a higher q angle than usual for men which changes your preferred sitting position, it’s not that big a deal.
It’s ridiculous and stupid, I know, but it comes from some pretty basic biology.
Depending upon size/thickness of a person’s thighs, it can be pretty impossible to put one knee over the other without squishing your dick and balls either on top of your legs or tucked underneath them. Wearing tight brief-style underwear, this can lead to situations where someone tries to cross their legs like this and inadvertently squishes their balls - a pretty uncomfortable circumstance in my own experience. Thus people with male genitalia (usually men) tend to prefer to cross their legs with the ankle over the knee to allow their genitals to ‘breathe’ and not be all squished up.
People with vaginas (usually women) in Western societies are also far more likely to wear skirts or dresses. In order to prevent someone having a peek at their underwear (or lack thereof) while wearing a skirt/dresses and sitting, these people are more likely to put one knee over the other.
Again, attempting to measure masculinity or femininity by this one preference is utterly stupid, but there are reasons why this behavioural pattern has become commonplace in Western societies. I (cis man) tend to do both in different circumstances; usually dependent upon weather, underwear and outer clothing I’m wearing.
I guess I can’t stand briefs because I need the extra room. So when I cross my legs, junk just falls as it should and no squish.
Plus if I do the ankle cross my foot always falls asleep. That’s typically a better way to make a fool of myself.
Imagine being so insecure that you are worried about how you cross your legs when you sit. People are so fucking weird
I am always cowboy style, could not fathom sitting like I wear a skirt.
The real reason it’s my stuff gets upside down and it’s too warm in the pants woman style.
Maybe just “good posture”?
Some toxic bs like that.
“I only care about myself when someone else cares about me” is not particularly healthy.
“i want to improve more for others than for myself” isn’t fantastic, but it’s pointing in the right direction
Well that does sound better, as long as it’s not completely dependent on another persons approval, that’s kinda asking for trouble.
More in the right direction than the wrong but still not the right direction entirely. It needs to come from within to be strong and lasting.
Plus that isn’t what’s happening here, he’s being a child who is also being emotionally and sexually manipulated.
It can be unimaginably, uncomprehendingly better than just the ‘I don’t care about myself’ state tho, if that is the best they can manage or perhaps even as a step on the gradual path of self-worth/healing - that is amazing!
Don’t dismiss ‘getting slightly better’ as a failure bcs it’s not immediately resulting in the prefect best-case end scenario/state.
We are all on a journey.
Sure, I’ve been there, I’m still there some days, it’s a lot of hard work to push yourself and find your redeeming qualities when you feel like you don’t have any, or keep trying when you feel like you fail every time, or feel like you sabotage yourself every time you get something going right. If that’s a step it’s great I’m just saying, don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
That’s half of codependence?
Depends if the newly-formed habits persist whenever she lets up.
“I can fix him”
fixes him
There is no fixing here, this is an armed bomb
deleted by creator
