op found a mom for himself.
It’s clearly a step-mom if anything.
(Tho op didn’t actually specify Jocastas family details.)
On a serious note, having been that guy, this is the worst experience ever.
15 years of slowly being convinced being who I was, was wrong. 15 years of being told she was normal, what I wanted wasn’t. 15 years of isolation. 15 years brainwashing. 15 years of ever building self doubt.
Then she cheated on me.
Somehow I haven’t been in grippy socks yet. Pretty fucking close though with the outpatient stuff I do. Been on one date with someone else.
Edit: A greentext post of all places to get this wonderful support. 🥲
I was in it for 5 years. I wouldn’t have made it another decade. Glad you’re on the other side. I hope you can find your emotions, the ones that you have somewhere inside that really care for you in a way you haven’t felt all this time.
Also therapy if you can afford it and find one that clicks with you. It’s frustratingly helpful in that it doesn’t feel like you’re doing much but the reinforcement and structure is everything.
And definitely more dates!
I don’t get why relationships are such a hsrd requirement for people.
You can be blind to the problems you’re facing for a long time. For me it was a combination of her perpetuating abusive behaviors from her youth and me not understanding boundaries and my own avoidance. Outside of that it was right around 2020 so i had a lot of distractions and instability. It took me a long time to realize that the relationship had these problems.
My point is that taking so long to end it had to do with anything except a relationship being a requirement. I do want to be in a relationship but for intimacy, solidarity, vulnerability, company etc… The status doesn’t play into it at all.
If those don’t make sense to you then that’s just as normal. If you’re confused by them then look into aromanticism.
Nah, I have been AeroAce for a long time, I realized that I can’t really depend on other people, and that outside opinions don’t really matter.
I have notes specifically for what I think I did wrong, and will ask others as needed. Otherwise, time and energy are the only real limits.
EDIT: Specifically, I’m not AeroAce, I just see it as selfish desire that I’m not entitled to.
No one is entitled to another human being. Relationships are about mutual interest.
Exactly! And I see myself as especially unworthy of other people.
Fair. I just hope you find yourself worthy of your own self care, love, and respect.
I’m doing some particularly frequent therapy at the moment. Medication management, occupational stuff.
So far I’ve only met one person on the apps. So I’m working on finding stuff to go to to meet more people. It’s a small city, so kind of limited. Can’t move because of a kid. That makes it way harder to date too.
But one thing I’m trying to remind myself - I’ll be in my 40s when my son is 18. I figure I can probably really safely leave him at home way before that. So maybe in 5 years or so. I had a teacher in his 50’s marry another teacher in her late 20s (and they are still together 15 years later) so I’d say there’s still time.
Nice!
Yeah, and additionally, meeting other parents around school events can be good. There’s lots of time. Seems like you’re making the right moves. Best of luck!!!
Been on one date with someone else.
Congrats ! 🎉
Each step, however small it may seem, away from this abusive person is a great one
Big hugs, friend. You’re not alone out here. It gets better. Take your time.
Thank you. Knowing that others have recovered gives me some hope.
There is a name for it: Narcissistic Abuse. Keep going, you’ll make it through. It gets better.
Could literally be me but 10 years instead of 15. I hope you’re doing so much better now and that many positive things come your way.
Fuck, I love being single and living by myself.
“I can fix him”
fixes him
There is no fixing here, this is an armed bomb
Then he leaves her for someone “who doesn’t nag” and is more exciting.
Anon learns the joys of being a pet
When you put it like that… 😅
Pet does not sound too bad, sex is optional.
Children need a parent, and some adults never pass that stage.
That’s not a girlfriend it’s a second mother.
Oof
Pretty common phenomenon. And it works for some people, there are men who need hand holding and women who want to nurture (or vice versa). I think it would be healthier for OOP to recognize it for what it is though, and also that it’s not a universal experience. For example I’d be miserable as either party in that relationship.
Odepus
Well there’s a fella who really loved his mother
He spent more time in her than dad did, before he even was born. Guess he got addicted.
Having a partner in life makes a huge difference to motivation. I dont really agree with this idea of them leveraging things to force you to act that sounds like a living hell. These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner.
These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner
how i knew i could marry my wife, i wanted to do this.
Amen brother.
Anon likes to be dommed
Pre negotiated consensual power exchange? No thanks I want the unhealthy version please
Or even just needs to be to have some quality of life.
Not everyone can have personal assistants.
There’s certain common patterns this dynamic seems to take:
- They end up in that type of traditional marriage for fifty years where the wife controls absolutely everything and the man throws around jokes about ball and chain. This ends when either one dies; if the man dies first, the wife will live happily for another ten years, but if the wife dies first, the man follows soon
- The man loses all sights of himself and becomes a passive and meek “yes, dear” -man, and then the girlfriend (or wife if they managed to get married) eventually gets bored since the project car isn’t fun anymore, and cheats or just straight up leaves him. This pattern might also involve straight up domestic violence where the man is too embarrassed and scared to seek help
- The girlfriend (or wife again) gets tired of taking care of a manchild instead of having an equal partner, and leaves. This happens especially if they have children and the wife realizes it’s actually easier to take care of the children alone. Often the man also ends up whining about how he doesn’t understand what he did wrong, and thought everything was going so well
That’s reading an awful lot into a post that’s both fake and gay
Not swearing is a big fuckin ask.
Yeah but the advertisers don’t want to be associated with that language so he’s gotta censor it.
it’s actually a lot easier to find a partner who guides you on the right path of life through love and support instead of just being abusive
Woof…
That’s rough
Yeah, no. That is not what I signed up for.
We do lift each other up, it’s not a one way thing. Can advise, and do, and he does with me too. So sure, I am willing to make suggestions and he always wants me to do stuff like style his wardrobe, do all the interior design, etc., yeah I’m down, my eye is better. He plans all the trips, his mom was a travel agent.
But would not dream of using sex as a lever, because I want sex for sex.
And I sure as fuck don’t want another kid, I want a partner.
Weird. I had the opposite experience.
Used to have gfs. They constantly nagged me to don’t work out, to not get a better job, to drink, to smoke, and party. oh and don’t have friends they don’t like and don’t do anything that doesn’t involve them. i was always trying to get us to get better jobs, take classes, try new things, try new places, etc. They would have NONE of it. Having goals and wanting to do stuff in life made me some sort of huge asshole to them.
I’ve been single 6 years and my salary has gone up 250%. in the decade I was dating women… it went up like 10%. and i am fitter, stronger, have lots of cool hobbies and i volunteer a lot. I also have pets and own a home. Only thing I don’t have in life that I want is a wife/child.
And when I try to date… i just meet women who think all that shit is gross. I already went on three dates this month and got told by each woman that I was ‘too put together and active and serious about life’. they just want someone to get drunk with on the weekends. I don’t. I can’t seem to find any women to date who actually want to be an active participant in their own life.
I know you aren’t asking for advice but many people search for partners in places that only have 1 type of person. For example you don’t look for a wife at the club or you don’t look for a party animal at church.
Sounds like you are looking for a certain type of person in exactly the opposite place you should be looking.
i am not looking for any type of person or in any particular place.
i just tend to attract women who are losers. even rich losers. i’ve dated women who had way more money than me who constantly compared about how broke they were and how hard/difficult their life was how I should make more money so they can sit at home no their ass and do nothing. these were doctors/lawyers even.
it’s a very common mentality among USA women, esp single ones.
Also note that i’ve observed that there’s whole swaths of areas which seem to have the same/similar personality type. Like, i grew up in some backwards country village, and all the people there seemed to have a very specific type of mentality that i didn’t share (which is why i hated it there). Note: i was an immigrant child. After moving to the big city, i met much more like-minded people, and everything got better.
My lesson is: In some areas, even large parts of land, people are very similar and if you don’t get along with them, it’s probably best if you move somewhere completely else instead of trying to stay and make friends with them.
